Hope

It's been three, almost four months since I hit ground zero in my life. I won't go into the details but some of you know what I've been through, it has been the hardest and darkest of times for me. I was bitter and angry and resentful at a lot of things.

I wasn't myself anymore.

During this period, I spoke to quite a number of people about the things that I was going through. Talking about it gave me an outlet to release all the pent up emotional energy that I built up when I was alone and by myself. I talked to as many people as possible, to as many who were willing to listen and understand. Some gave me advice, some tried to cheer me up, some offered me sympathy, some just sat by and kept quiet and just heard me out. But whatever it was, I am immensely thankful for one thing that they all did - they took the time to listen to some broken emo guy at his most vulnerable state with nowhere left to go.

My friends and family saved my life. And I thank God for all of them.

Three and a half months later, i realize I'm holding up quite well. It doesn't hurt that much anymore, although I still get the occasional cringe and twitch from stray fragments of memories. Even those are starting to fade into the distant background.

That isn't to say I've forgotten. When i look on my scars, I'm reminded by how deeply hurt I was. But in the same breath, holding truer each day - they also remind me of how much I've healed.

Yes, I'm still not the same 'me' I was before. I have come to realize that I've changed a lot too. Just to list some of the changes:

1. Started jogging and working out: I'm in better shape than I ever was and the funny thing is that I enjoy every moment of a good workout (and the sweat that comes with it). I finished my first 11km run too! (but that was quite some time ago... need to find new challenges!)

2. Stopping facebook: It started out because it was a constant reminder of the hurt I was going through, and secondarily because I was "spending" (more like wasting) too much time on it anyway. You have no idea how much time I had on my hands once I went cold turkey. Suddenly I had all the time in the world to concentrate on more important things, which leads to the next two...

3. Actually meeting new people: I love the physics lab that I'm currently instructing. I have so much fun in that 3 hours of lab that I keep asking myself why I've never thought of teaching lab before in the past 2 years I've been here doing my Masters. The atmosphere is so much relaxed than a normal lecture class, and the foundation students both frustrate and crack me up in equal measure with the wackiest things they come up with. Christmas night and Techflow formed massive parts of my safety net as well. Some of the juniors - hold on a second, all of them ARE my juniors now, what am I thinking??? - are the most talented and outgoing and funniest and awesomest I've ever known. They know how to make an old boy feel young again. :)

4. Coming back to relationships that I've neglected: Yeah. There are a lot of them. I really didn't know and I took quite a number of them for granted. And I'm sorry. Really. I'm trying to patch things up. Here a little, there a little. Learning how to appreciate the little things because those are the things that really matter to people. Having freed up so much time on my hands right now, I'm beginning to realize the things that I've missed out on or failed to see because I had my head up in the sky. Sometimes, it's like a whole new journey of re-discovery. You learn new things about people that you never knew about before, even with an old friend - hold on, let me rephrase that - especially with an old friend. I used to think that I built great relationships with my friends. Not anymore. Now I think there's still a lot room for improvement in the way that I relate to my friends, and sometimes I need to constantly remind myself that it's not always about me, but more about how much we need each other - as friends.

5. My walk with God: I've started attending a new church recently. One which is closer to where I'm staying and many of my peers and friends attend. I've only been there a handful of times so far, but I feel this is someplace where I can serve in whatever capacity I am capable of. Honestly? I'm afraid of the change: Newton's 3rd law in effect. Action and reaction. Inertia. But I feel I need this change. And strangely/wonderfully enough, there is already a call, a need, for people to stand up and serve. Coincidence? Maybe.

But where there is room for doubt, there is equal or greater room for faith.

Maybe, this isn't so much about change or chance.

Maybe, it's something beyond these two things.

Maybe, it's about having a little faith.

There's a funny thing about faith: Faith looks forward. Not to the back or the sides, but straight ahead. Like Peter who kept his eyes on the man who walked on water.

Faith "hopes".

So now, three months later, I choose not to look back on the past and weep, but I choose to look forward to the future - and hope.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for
and certain of what we do not see."
- Hebrews 11:1