And as I step out off the ledge, either one of two things will happen:
Either I will fall and plunge to my death...
...or faith will give me wings to fly.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Flight
I feel I'm on the precipice of a life changing moment.
And as I step out off the ledge, either one of two things will happen:
Either I will fall and plunge to my death...
And as I step out off the ledge, either one of two things will happen:
Either I will fall and plunge to my death...
Thursday, January 14, 2010
1st Draft!
AT LAST!!!
The first of many nights of editing and re-editing... but its a start. :) All that non-procrastination finally paid off I guess. :P
Monday, January 11, 2010
Hope
It's been three, almost four months since I hit ground zero in my life. I won't go into the details but some of you know what I've been through, it has been the hardest and darkest of times for me. I was bitter and angry and resentful at a lot of things.
I wasn't myself anymore.
During this period, I spoke to quite a number of people about the things that I was going through. Talking about it gave me an outlet to release all the pent up emotional energy that I built up when I was alone and by myself. I talked to as many people as possible, to as many who were willing to listen and understand. Some gave me advice, some tried to cheer me up, some offered me sympathy, some just sat by and kept quiet and just heard me out. But whatever it was, I am immensely thankful for one thing that they all did - they took the time to listen to some broken emo guy at his most vulnerable state with nowhere left to go.
My friends and family saved my life. And I thank God for all of them.
Three and a half months later, i realize I'm holding up quite well. It doesn't hurt that much anymore, although I still get the occasional cringe and twitch from stray fragments of memories. Even those are starting to fade into the distant background.
That isn't to say I've forgotten. When i look on my scars, I'm reminded by how deeply hurt I was. But in the same breath, holding truer each day - they also remind me of how much I've healed.
Yes, I'm still not the same 'me' I was before. I have come to realize that I've changed a lot too. Just to list some of the changes:
1. Started jogging and working out: I'm in better shape than I ever was and the funny thing is that I enjoy every moment of a good workout (and the sweat that comes with it). I finished my first 11km run too! (but that was quite some time ago... need to find new challenges!)
2. Stopping facebook: It started out because it was a constant reminder of the hurt I was going through, and secondarily because I was "spending" (more like wasting) too much time on it anyway. You have no idea how much time I had on my hands once I went cold turkey. Suddenly I had all the time in the world to concentrate on more important things, which leads to the next two...
3. Actually meeting new people: I love the physics lab that I'm currently instructing. I have so much fun in that 3 hours of lab that I keep asking myself why I've never thought of teaching lab before in the past 2 years I've been here doing my Masters. The atmosphere is so much relaxed than a normal lecture class, and the foundation students both frustrate and crack me up in equal measure with the wackiest things they come up with. Christmas night and Techflow formed massive parts of my safety net as well. Some of the juniors - hold on a second, all of them ARE my juniors now, what am I thinking??? - are the most talented and outgoing and funniest and awesomest I've ever known. They know how to make an old boy feel young again. :)
4. Coming back to relationships that I've neglected: Yeah. There are a lot of them. I really didn't know and I took quite a number of them for granted. And I'm sorry. Really. I'm trying to patch things up. Here a little, there a little. Learning how to appreciate the little things because those are the things that really matter to people. Having freed up so much time on my hands right now, I'm beginning to realize the things that I've missed out on or failed to see because I had my head up in the sky. Sometimes, it's like a whole new journey of re-discovery. You learn new things about people that you never knew about before, even with an old friend - hold on, let me rephrase that - especially with an old friend. I used to think that I built great relationships with my friends. Not anymore. Now I think there's still a lot room for improvement in the way that I relate to my friends, and sometimes I need to constantly remind myself that it's not always about me, but more about how much we need each other - as friends.
5. My walk with God: I've started attending a new church recently. One which is closer to where I'm staying and many of my peers and friends attend. I've only been there a handful of times so far, but I feel this is someplace where I can serve in whatever capacity I am capable of. Honestly? I'm afraid of the change: Newton's 3rd law in effect. Action and reaction. Inertia. But I feel I need this change. And strangely/wonderfully enough, there is already a call, a need, for people to stand up and serve. Coincidence? Maybe.
But where there is room for doubt, there is equal or greater room for faith.
Maybe, this isn't so much about change or chance.
Maybe, it's something beyond these two things.
Maybe, it's about having a little faith.
There's a funny thing about faith: Faith looks forward. Not to the back or the sides, but straight ahead. Like Peter who kept his eyes on the man who walked on water.
Faith "hopes".
So now, three months later, I choose not to look back on the past and weep, but I choose to look forward to the future - and hope.
I wasn't myself anymore.
During this period, I spoke to quite a number of people about the things that I was going through. Talking about it gave me an outlet to release all the pent up emotional energy that I built up when I was alone and by myself. I talked to as many people as possible, to as many who were willing to listen and understand. Some gave me advice, some tried to cheer me up, some offered me sympathy, some just sat by and kept quiet and just heard me out. But whatever it was, I am immensely thankful for one thing that they all did - they took the time to listen to some broken emo guy at his most vulnerable state with nowhere left to go.
My friends and family saved my life. And I thank God for all of them.
Three and a half months later, i realize I'm holding up quite well. It doesn't hurt that much anymore, although I still get the occasional cringe and twitch from stray fragments of memories. Even those are starting to fade into the distant background.
That isn't to say I've forgotten. When i look on my scars, I'm reminded by how deeply hurt I was. But in the same breath, holding truer each day - they also remind me of how much I've healed.
Yes, I'm still not the same 'me' I was before. I have come to realize that I've changed a lot too. Just to list some of the changes:
1. Started jogging and working out: I'm in better shape than I ever was and the funny thing is that I enjoy every moment of a good workout (and the sweat that comes with it). I finished my first 11km run too! (but that was quite some time ago... need to find new challenges!)
2. Stopping facebook: It started out because it was a constant reminder of the hurt I was going through, and secondarily because I was "spending" (more like wasting) too much time on it anyway. You have no idea how much time I had on my hands once I went cold turkey. Suddenly I had all the time in the world to concentrate on more important things, which leads to the next two...
3. Actually meeting new people: I love the physics lab that I'm currently instructing. I have so much fun in that 3 hours of lab that I keep asking myself why I've never thought of teaching lab before in the past 2 years I've been here doing my Masters. The atmosphere is so much relaxed than a normal lecture class, and the foundation students both frustrate and crack me up in equal measure with the wackiest things they come up with. Christmas night and Techflow formed massive parts of my safety net as well. Some of the juniors - hold on a second, all of them ARE my juniors now, what am I thinking??? - are the most talented and outgoing and funniest and awesomest I've ever known. They know how to make an old boy feel young again. :)
4. Coming back to relationships that I've neglected: Yeah. There are a lot of them. I really didn't know and I took quite a number of them for granted. And I'm sorry. Really. I'm trying to patch things up. Here a little, there a little. Learning how to appreciate the little things because those are the things that really matter to people. Having freed up so much time on my hands right now, I'm beginning to realize the things that I've missed out on or failed to see because I had my head up in the sky. Sometimes, it's like a whole new journey of re-discovery. You learn new things about people that you never knew about before, even with an old friend - hold on, let me rephrase that - especially with an old friend. I used to think that I built great relationships with my friends. Not anymore. Now I think there's still a lot room for improvement in the way that I relate to my friends, and sometimes I need to constantly remind myself that it's not always about me, but more about how much we need each other - as friends.
5. My walk with God: I've started attending a new church recently. One which is closer to where I'm staying and many of my peers and friends attend. I've only been there a handful of times so far, but I feel this is someplace where I can serve in whatever capacity I am capable of. Honestly? I'm afraid of the change: Newton's 3rd law in effect. Action and reaction. Inertia. But I feel I need this change. And strangely/wonderfully enough, there is already a call, a need, for people to stand up and serve. Coincidence? Maybe.
But where there is room for doubt, there is equal or greater room for faith.
Maybe, this isn't so much about change or chance.
Maybe, it's something beyond these two things.
Maybe, it's about having a little faith.
There's a funny thing about faith: Faith looks forward. Not to the back or the sides, but straight ahead. Like Peter who kept his eyes on the man who walked on water.
Faith "hopes".
So now, three months later, I choose not to look back on the past and weep, but I choose to look forward to the future - and hope.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for
and certain of what we do not see."
- Hebrews 11:1
and certain of what we do not see."
- Hebrews 11:1
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Volcanic WHAT???
I was returning from dinner with Timothy, Bevon and William. This is a snippet of our conversation:
Me: ""Black sand"? There's "black sand"?"
Bevon: "Yeah, it's like sand from volcanoes."
William: "Yup. The sand comes from volcanic er... err... volcanic errr... hmmmm... volcanic erections."
Me: "Volcanic WHAT???"
Hilarity. These little moments really make my day. Thank God for friends.
Yes. Even the really clueless ones.
Me: ""Black sand"? There's "black sand"?"
Bevon: "Yeah, it's like sand from volcanoes."
William: "Yup. The sand comes from volcanic er... err... volcanic errr... hmmmm... volcanic erections."
Me: "Volcanic WHAT???"
Hilarity. These little moments really make my day. Thank God for friends.
Yes. Even the really clueless ones.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Procrastination...
Need...
...to...
...stop...
...procrastinating...
...and...
...work...
...on thesis...
...
...
...
Dinner Time!
...to...
...stop...
...procrastinating...
...and...
...work...
...on thesis...
...
...
...
Dinner Time!
"I do my work at the same time each day - the last minute."
~Author Unknown
~Author Unknown
Avatar!!!
Went to Midvalley to catch Avatar in 3D on tuesday night. It has been like forever (ok ok... more like 3 weeks. But that's like FOREVER!!) since a bunch of us have started planning to watch it.
Me, Andrew, Bevon and my sis actually all the way down to Midvalley to try to get the tickets much earlier (I think it was just before Christmas. Memory getting fuzzy... Can't even remember these kinda things properly... Getting old... :P). We reached around evening 3 hours before the movie timeslot that we wanted to catch and... LO AND BEHOLD... whaddaya know, everything for Avatar is sold out.
For the WHOLE day!
What was even more crazy was that 2012 was STILL selling out. Which kinda really beats me cos it's really just about people escaping various environmental disasters in various modes of transportation. They're out-running, out-driving, out-flying, out-sailing, out-climbing, out-crawling, earthquakes, tornadoes, volcanoes, meteors, tsunamis - I mean, seriously, they make it look easy.
ANYWAY... Back to Avatar.
Me, Andrew, Bevon and my sis actually all the way down to Midvalley to try to get the tickets much earlier (I think it was just before Christmas. Memory getting fuzzy... Can't even remember these kinda things properly... Getting old... :P). We reached around evening 3 hours before the movie timeslot that we wanted to catch and... LO AND BEHOLD... whaddaya know, everything for Avatar is sold out.
For the WHOLE day!
What was even more crazy was that 2012 was STILL selling out. Which kinda really beats me cos it's really just about people escaping various environmental disasters in various modes of transportation. They're out-running, out-driving, out-flying, out-sailing, out-climbing, out-crawling, earthquakes, tornadoes, volcanoes, meteors, tsunamis - I mean, seriously, they make it look easy.
ANYWAY... Back to Avatar.
If I could describe it in one word it would be...
Mind blowing CGI + 3D = Awesomeness.
We chilled at Carl's Jr after the movie. Aaron had his dinner there cos he came a little late cos he had to fetch Priya from her meeting. Being the cheapskates that we all are, we hogged his refillable soft drink to the max.
Oh and there was alot of geek speak and nerd talk around the table regarding Avatar as well.
Avatar + Great Friends = More Awesomeness. :D
Mind blowing CGI + 3D = Awesomeness.We chilled at Carl's Jr after the movie. Aaron had his dinner there cos he came a little late cos he had to fetch Priya from her meeting. Being the cheapskates that we all are, we hogged his refillable soft drink to the max.
Oh and there was alot of geek speak and nerd talk around the table regarding Avatar as well.
Avatar + Great Friends = More Awesomeness. :D
Monday, January 4, 2010
Fat Chance Vs Slim Chance
English is an awesome language.
Take for example the term: "Fat Chance" which means "little or no chance of success".
On the flipside, we also have: "Slim Chance" which ALSO means the same thing.
Wha-??? Wait a sec... Shouldn't they be opposites? That doesn't make sense!!!
The same goes for "slim hopes" and "fat hopes" as well. Well, at least there's no weight discrimination.
Yeah. I know: English. It rocks.
Take for example the term: "Fat Chance" which means "little or no chance of success".
On the flipside, we also have: "Slim Chance" which ALSO means the same thing.
Wha-??? Wait a sec... Shouldn't they be opposites? That doesn't make sense!!!
The same goes for "slim hopes" and "fat hopes" as well. Well, at least there's no weight discrimination.
Yeah. I know: English. It rocks.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Sometimes... It's really good to be a guy...
I was traveling back home by bus on Christmas Day 2009. Half an hour after the bus rides past the KL toll gates I go bottoms up on my 500ml bottle of water.
Wrong Move.
Immediately, I realize that going to the bathroom before leaving KL wasn't such a bad idea after all. So i'm thinking... Ok, it's only a two hour plus ride back to ipoh and I'm already one quarter of the way there... I can hold it in! No biggy!
That was like a whole 5 minutes before I hit the first pocket of heavy traffic on the highway. And then, the 2nd thing hits me: EVERYONE IS GOING BACK TODAY! IT"S CHRISTMAS!! GAH!!
The 3rd and following train of thought that went through my mind was: That means... This trip is gonna take longer than I thought...
30 minutes into the slow crawl, the only thing that's running through my mind is: "...toilettoilettoilettoilettoilettoilettoilettoilettoilettoilettoilettoilet..."
Fortunately, I think the bus driver must've read my mind (or other passengers with a similar dilemma like mine) and he made a stop at a nearby Petronas. I made a beeline for the toilet and when I reached I saw A HUGE SNAKING QUEUE from the female toilet. It was like CRAZY long. As I stepped into the men's room, I found an empty urinal straightaway.
Man, at that very moment, I have never been more happy to look at a toilet in my life. I could swear I heard the strains of Ode to Joy as I relieved myself in slow motion.
Yeah I know... It was THAT dramatic. :P
Anyway, I had a lighter step as I came out from the toilet, and guess what... The queue to the ladies had barely budged! And as I walked past the line, I could feel some of their eyes boring into the back of my skull. It was hard to keep a straight face, but I think if I had even let out a small giggle, I would've been mauled to death by angry and pissed (no pun intended) women.
Sigh... Sorry gals. I know its easier for guys lining up at toilets, so I salute your patience.
On the other hand... Its times like these, that I'm really thankful I'm a guy. :)
Wrong Move.
Immediately, I realize that going to the bathroom before leaving KL wasn't such a bad idea after all. So i'm thinking... Ok, it's only a two hour plus ride back to ipoh and I'm already one quarter of the way there... I can hold it in! No biggy!
That was like a whole 5 minutes before I hit the first pocket of heavy traffic on the highway. And then, the 2nd thing hits me: EVERYONE IS GOING BACK TODAY! IT"S CHRISTMAS!! GAH!!
The 3rd and following train of thought that went through my mind was: That means... This trip is gonna take longer than I thought...
30 minutes into the slow crawl, the only thing that's running through my mind is: "...toilettoilettoilettoilettoilettoilettoilettoilettoilettoilettoilettoilet..."
Fortunately, I think the bus driver must've read my mind (or other passengers with a similar dilemma like mine) and he made a stop at a nearby Petronas. I made a beeline for the toilet and when I reached I saw A HUGE SNAKING QUEUE from the female toilet. It was like CRAZY long. As I stepped into the men's room, I found an empty urinal straightaway.
Man, at that very moment, I have never been more happy to look at a toilet in my life. I could swear I heard the strains of Ode to Joy as I relieved myself in slow motion.
Yeah I know... It was THAT dramatic. :P
Anyway, I had a lighter step as I came out from the toilet, and guess what... The queue to the ladies had barely budged! And as I walked past the line, I could feel some of their eyes boring into the back of my skull. It was hard to keep a straight face, but I think if I had even let out a small giggle, I would've been mauled to death by angry and pissed (no pun intended) women.
Sigh... Sorry gals. I know its easier for guys lining up at toilets, so I salute your patience.
On the other hand... Its times like these, that I'm really thankful I'm a guy. :)
Hello 2010!
Dear Reader,
This very 1st line of my blog has taken literally ages to write. For someone so used to writing, the mind constantly ploughs on an on for the perfect beginning of a literary journey. But there comes a time where one has to just take a plunge and say:
"Whatever lah..."
So here I am...
...in Starbucks no less. Of which I'm finding myself frequently more and more as of late. I'm spending a fortune here. Crap. On the bright side, I got enough starbucks wish stamps to qualify for that spanking brand new 2010 planner! I've got a serious and weird passion for sleek and cool stationery (yeah, I know it's weird) and it's gorgeous!
... but I digress...
So Goodbye 2009! I won't miss you!
Hello 2010!
Here's to much greater things and beyond.
Cheers!
This very 1st line of my blog has taken literally ages to write. For someone so used to writing, the mind constantly ploughs on an on for the perfect beginning of a literary journey. But there comes a time where one has to just take a plunge and say:
"Whatever lah..."
So here I am...
...in Starbucks no less. Of which I'm finding myself frequently more and more as of late. I'm spending a fortune here. Crap. On the bright side, I got enough starbucks wish stamps to qualify for that spanking brand new 2010 planner! I've got a serious and weird passion for sleek and cool stationery (yeah, I know it's weird) and it's gorgeous!
... but I digress...So Goodbye 2009! I won't miss you!
Hello 2010!
Here's to much greater things and beyond.
Cheers!
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